Marriage: the attachment of one person to another- theoretically for life. It is strangely attractive to me, in the way "blood sisters" and "cross your heart" was to me as a child. It's a challenge, it's a sacred oath. Sounds slightly secretive and tons of fun, to never have to be or feel alone again.

Back in the yonder years marriage was a business transaction- women/ daughters sold for some kind of profit or benefit. The engagement ring for example, evolved from a rope used to tie a fresh bride to her bed, or a convenient chair, so she would not run away while the man was working or doing his manly type stuff. Eventually, once the bride realizes there is no escape, and where would she go anyway?, the rope is reduced from shackles to a loop around the finger. A reminder- I could tie you up again faster than a hummingbird. Eventually, we placed a little more value on the woman and this string was replaced with gold, and now diamond bands. Adorable isn't it?

There is a BDSM side of me that says- cool, tie me up. Make me yours. Claim me dammit- aren't I worthy? But there is another side of me that say- run free. Live for yourself.

I am conflicted, and confused. Do I want to be married, tied down to one person for the rest of my life? Will that make me happier? Knowing he can't get up and leave (easily anyway) and that we truly belong to one another? Legally, in writing?

I have not yet decided- the can of worms is too intimidating. Luckily for me there is no ring on my finger, no claim made. I do not have to make a decision that will hurt me either way. I am scared, and feel very alone- fighting with yourself is always more tiring. I do not want to make a mistake. I do not want to flee in my Pumas, nor do I want to kneel before an alter.

I am afraid the moment of decision is looming. We sure as hell aren't getting any younger.